Most don't understand the life of a cutter. For instance, today there are two girls on my archery team that are 7th graders that cut themselves. I just figured this out today. When we shoot, we can't wear any loose things such as headphones (I learned that the hard way...), loose dangly necklaces and earrings, big hooodies/jackets, etc. These two girls took their jackets off and I saw two left tormented wrists. Everytime they shot, I couldn't take my eyes off of their left arms. It was so distracting and I became very sad.
Cutting isn't a new topic for me, hasn't been since I was 12. But, you don't normally see wrists like these just out in the view everyday. Towards the end of pratice, Coach finally noticed it and took them aside. I over heard the girls telling their friends that they told him their cats did it. There is no way that those wounds could come from a cat. Different thick red lines going in different directions, none parallel of each other. It's common sense if you think about it and lived through it and know a lot about it.
I'm not doubting that these young girls have hard lives. Probably go through bullying or something but there's other ways to get out the pain. Hit a wall or pillow, scream to loud music, run/jog outside, or just cry. Or if you like the "rush" of blade going through your skin, I understand. It's exciting, danger=excitement. No one can tell you what you can or can't do to your body but at least listen to opinions to those who care that you think don't. They do, and they just want you happy and not inflicinting pain upon yourself.
Also, cutting isn't "cool" just because you see someone do it. Cutting is a version of seeing your pain when you can't feel it anymore. A release, a cry, just a way to get your angry/pain out without seeming vulnerable. You think fun? Say that to someone who's addicted to doing it everyday for most of their life. Show true strength next time you're down and cry. Put the razor/knife/etc. down and just cry it out. You'll feel a lot better, trust me.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Don't Leave Me
I found you out of the shadows,
and you came to my aid,
my heart beats heavy and fast,
with your loving looks toward my way.
I feel like I don't deserve you,
but I don't want you to to leave,
I feel like you'll be happier with someone else,
but you not in my life makes me queeze.
My mind is going insane,
trying ot see the beauty you tell of me,
but I realize there's no explaination,
for what you think of me.
Thank you for coming into my life,
thank you for recongnizing my pain.
Please don't leave me like everyone else does,
over and over again...
and you came to my aid,
my heart beats heavy and fast,
with your loving looks toward my way.
I feel like I don't deserve you,
but I don't want you to to leave,
I feel like you'll be happier with someone else,
but you not in my life makes me queeze.
My mind is going insane,
trying ot see the beauty you tell of me,
but I realize there's no explaination,
for what you think of me.
Thank you for coming into my life,
thank you for recongnizing my pain.
Please don't leave me like everyone else does,
over and over again...
Colors
Life is blue,
sky is back,
grass is gray,
and sun is white.
These are the colors,
of true nothingness,
why be happy,
when no one cares for you?
Life is unfair,
sky is meaningless,
grass is dirt,
and sun has no shine.
This is what life is like to me,
unmeaningful and dull,
uneventful and sad,
unloving and mad.
Life is blue,
sky is black,
grass is gray,
and sun is white.
I only hope for the day,
when these colors will change,
from total darkness darkness,
to a new day...
sky is back,
grass is gray,
and sun is white.
These are the colors,
of true nothingness,
why be happy,
when no one cares for you?
Life is unfair,
sky is meaningless,
grass is dirt,
and sun has no shine.
This is what life is like to me,
unmeaningful and dull,
uneventful and sad,
unloving and mad.
Life is blue,
sky is black,
grass is gray,
and sun is white.
I only hope for the day,
when these colors will change,
from total darkness darkness,
to a new day...
Scars
The remains of my sadness,
are on my skin.
I will always be reminded,
of the memories and secrets I have condemned.
Hopefully no one will see,
the things that I have done,
to myself and to others,
and the anger that I have shone.
Forgiveness is all I ask for,
happiness is what I try to give,
sadness is what I want no more,
hopelessness is all that remains for the wounded.
New hopes replace my hatred,
sadness replace my past dreams,
happiness replace my depression,
confusion replace my screams.
The remains of my sadness,
are on my skin.
I will always be reminded,
of the memories and secrets I have condemned.
are on my skin.
I will always be reminded,
of the memories and secrets I have condemned.
Hopefully no one will see,
the things that I have done,
to myself and to others,
and the anger that I have shone.
Forgiveness is all I ask for,
happiness is what I try to give,
sadness is what I want no more,
hopelessness is all that remains for the wounded.
New hopes replace my hatred,
sadness replace my past dreams,
happiness replace my depression,
confusion replace my screams.
The remains of my sadness,
are on my skin.
I will always be reminded,
of the memories and secrets I have condemned.
Sweet Kisses
My mouth starts to water,
with each look toward your face,
staring at your lips,
so tender and sweet.
I want to kiss you,
but I'm afraid to ask,
afraid of awkwardness,
in the future tense.
My mind starts to wonder,
about ways to ask,
but your beauty takes me away,
and I lose my chance.
Please notice my staring,
I'm too shy to ask,
I'm afraid I'll burn a flaming red,
from embrassment.
I can still feel the first kiss,
on my wanting more lips,
you're so much more experienced than I,
that I never want to stop.
Kiss me and I'll kiss you...
with each look toward your face,
staring at your lips,
so tender and sweet.
I want to kiss you,
but I'm afraid to ask,
afraid of awkwardness,
in the future tense.
My mind starts to wonder,
about ways to ask,
but your beauty takes me away,
and I lose my chance.
Please notice my staring,
I'm too shy to ask,
I'm afraid I'll burn a flaming red,
from embrassment.
I can still feel the first kiss,
on my wanting more lips,
you're so much more experienced than I,
that I never want to stop.
Kiss me and I'll kiss you...
Haze
Blinking rainbow lights,
smell of burnt rubber,
mositness in the air,
numb legs and buttox.
Tender thighs and legs,
full stomach of pizza,
dizziness of merry-go-round,
and hot guy faces around every corner.
This is a memory,
described in nouns and verbs,
of a warm rainy day,
with few friends and lots of strangers.
I'll remeber the day,
for a very long time,
a day where I felt free,
and thoughts didn't stray.
My heart soared with happiness,
and my thoughts picked up others,
my eyes learning new colors,
and my legs taking me wherever.
For once I didn't have to force,
my legs and brain to function,
they started on their own,
and wanted to keep going...
smell of burnt rubber,
mositness in the air,
numb legs and buttox.
Tender thighs and legs,
full stomach of pizza,
dizziness of merry-go-round,
and hot guy faces around every corner.
This is a memory,
described in nouns and verbs,
of a warm rainy day,
with few friends and lots of strangers.
I'll remeber the day,
for a very long time,
a day where I felt free,
and thoughts didn't stray.
My heart soared with happiness,
and my thoughts picked up others,
my eyes learning new colors,
and my legs taking me wherever.
For once I didn't have to force,
my legs and brain to function,
they started on their own,
and wanted to keep going...
Shell
I have to act calm,
I have to act like I'm fine.
If I don't,
everyone gets out of line.
My feelings don't matter,
only mother and sister,
can shed their true tears,
while I cry behind a closed door.
I can't cry,
I can't be sad,
I have to be "fine",
I have to act like I don't care.
When really I do care,
I care so much.
I want a shoulder to cry on,
instead of the other way around.
I want to cry,
I want a hug,
I want to feel,
I don't want to feel like an empty shell.
I have to act like I'm fine.
If I don't,
everyone gets out of line.
My feelings don't matter,
only mother and sister,
can shed their true tears,
while I cry behind a closed door.
I can't cry,
I can't be sad,
I have to be "fine",
I have to act like I don't care.
When really I do care,
I care so much.
I want a shoulder to cry on,
instead of the other way around.
I want to cry,
I want a hug,
I want to feel,
I don't want to feel like an empty shell.
In the Rush
My heart beats heavy and fast,
with each breath I take.
You're all I think about,
holding my heart to where it can break.
If my wish,
were to come true,
you would always be by my side,
even when I am blue.
You're the star that nestle's up above,
that guides me on my way.
Hopefully I'll never get lost,
and you will always stay.
Please don't leave me,
I don't like pain,
because I'll bleed,
and will never love again.
Be the one that protects me,
from evil and such.
My heart will enevolp you,
and our hearts will finally touch...
with each breath I take.
You're all I think about,
holding my heart to where it can break.
If my wish,
were to come true,
you would always be by my side,
even when I am blue.
You're the star that nestle's up above,
that guides me on my way.
Hopefully I'll never get lost,
and you will always stay.
Please don't leave me,
I don't like pain,
because I'll bleed,
and will never love again.
Be the one that protects me,
from evil and such.
My heart will enevolp you,
and our hearts will finally touch...
Eternal Wish
Forgive me,
for I am the one to blame.
Hate me,
because I desrve it all.
Love me,
so I'll get my happiness.
Hold me,
til my greedy-ness ends.
I can't stand myself,
I hate this monster,
that I have become,
I want it all to end.
If my eternal wish,
were to come true,
everyone would be happy,
and their days wouldn't be so blue.
I love all the ones,
that make me feel,
that I belong in this world,
when indeed I truely don't.
Thank you for being my friend.
Thank you for the kind words,
but I'm sorry for those of you,
my eternal wish is about to come true...
for I am the one to blame.
Hate me,
because I desrve it all.
Love me,
so I'll get my happiness.
Hold me,
til my greedy-ness ends.
I can't stand myself,
I hate this monster,
that I have become,
I want it all to end.
If my eternal wish,
were to come true,
everyone would be happy,
and their days wouldn't be so blue.
I love all the ones,
that make me feel,
that I belong in this world,
when indeed I truely don't.
Thank you for being my friend.
Thank you for the kind words,
but I'm sorry for those of you,
my eternal wish is about to come true...
Dark Night (Chapter 1)
"Get back over here, you litte thief!"
'Just another day, different guy', I thought.
"You can't take the money!"
"Try catching me now, sucka!", I yelled. And as soon as I got done saying that, I went full speed. I used my freakish ablilitys, once again, to get what I wanted. The dude "gave" me $300. Running the streets of Kentuck can be dangerous but hey, a girl's gotta do what she's gotta do.
I live with my best friend, Katylen, downtown. I used to live with my grandma but things were getting...crowded. I don't think coming home at 2:00 in the morning is what most consider "okay". Day is okay, but more cops are out. As I'm walking in, I try to be quiet as I get into my twin bed on the other side of the one-bedroom apartment. Ugh...I noticed that she brought back a guy from her new job or something. But he's so ugly...maybe when Katylen leaves in the morning, I can get a chance to talk to the guy.
He has a nice body and seems distant to sleeping close to Katylen. Okay...odd. In my dreamsthat night, I kept seeing this poor young guy beong bitten by something. A rat? A squireel...?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I woke up to the feeling of someone pushing me. Stupid girl, stupid Katylen.
"I'll get up in a minute...", I said , groggliy.
"Um, excuse me. But who by chance are you?", asked a deep voice. Oh no, it was mister ugly. What did he want?
"Uh, I happen to live here mister nuh-yah-beez-wa--!", I stopped my words. This guy was beautiful! He wasn't ugly at all! Oh my god!
"Oh, sorry. I just thought you were an intruder or something. I'm Ryan by the way. What's your name?", he asked.
"Uh...um...uh...my name?", I stuttered.
"Uh, yeah.", he chuckled. A soft one, it sounded like music.
"My n-name is D-Dark N-N-Night." I stuttered even worse. What a dork I was.
"What a beautiful name, Dark.", he smiled.
Good thing my long, black hair was covering my face or else he would see the deep red my face turned on my pale complexion.
"Um... I'll be right back. I need to take a shower.", I said, running toward the bathroom.
He smiled, "Okay..." He looked so gentle! I'm surprised someone like him slept with Katylen. I'm not trying to be mean, but dang! I turned the water on and undressed while thinking about those sweet, caring, green eyes...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
By the time I got back out of the shower, I totally forgot that someone was still in the house. I'm used to no one being here. So as I walked back into my room, naked, there was one scream and a bunch of 'I'm sorrys' going on. I wasn't mad at him, but I was very embrassed.
After I got dressed, I went into the kitchen and fixed myself a bowl of cereal: Lucky Charms', my favorite. I noticed that Ryan slowly walked in.
"I'm sorry. I shouldv'e stayed in the living room. I didn't kno--!"
"It's okay, Ryan. It's my fault.", I interruptted.
"No, I houldv'e stayed in here or done something that could prevent thi--!"
"Just drop it, okay?", I instisted.
He hesitated for a moment then with a sigh of relief, he said, "Okay..."
"So...tell me about yourself.", I instisted to leave that past conversation behind us.
"Well, I'm 16, live with my adoptive aprents for about 7 years now, have a crappy car, and have a decent job that gets me what I want. You?", he asked.
"Well...I'm 14, going to be 15 soon, have a very...odd family, and live here for free because I'm so 'loved'. I also have a werid diet, I guess you could call it that.", I said out of breath.
"And what kind of diet is that would that be?"
"Umm...you wouldn't beleive me if I told you."
"Come on, try me."
I sighed.
"Pickles and peanut butter."
He looked at me like I was insane.
"Hey, don't critize jus because you've never ate it before.", I said getting the cookies and cream ice cream out.
"Well it sure does look like that you like food."
I stared at him.
"No, no, no! Not in that way! You're beautiful! I mean, I shouldn't say that! You might feel offended! I'm sorry! I just mean that that you like food! Not that you're fat! You're skinnier than--!"
"It's okay! Loosen up, will ya? I get it. But yes, I do like food.", I said with a smile licking my spoon. He exhaled a sigh.
"I just didn't want you thinking that I'm a bad person.", he said with a sad face.
"I don't think you're a bad person. Just over aplogetic.", I grinned.
"I get the hint. It's just I was grown up to say 'sorry' a lot.", he frowned. We both sat queit for a minute or so and then I continued eating. I checked the time 10 minutes later.
"Oh! I got to go! Umm...what do you do during the day?", I asked getting my stuff together.
"I go to work at 5 pm. What do you do?", he asked getting 'properly dressed'.
"I go to the library and read all kinds of books about everything.", I said heading out.
"Oh! That's so cool. I love the library. Can I come with?", those deep green eyes. Green as grass...
"Sure, why not?", I said locking up. As we were walking to the library, Ryan asked me a lot of questions about myself. Most of them Katylen didn't know. When we got to our destination, I told him everything. Well, almost everything...
"Dark? What's wrong?", he said gripping my arms.
"Oh, nothing. I was just thinking about old times.", I couldn't tell him.
"Okay. Well, we're here.", he said with a big smile.
"Where do you want to go?", I questioned.
"Anywhere you want, ma'dam.", he said with a welcoming geture. I laughed. No one has ever really asked about my opinion before.
"Umm...how about the teen section?"
"I will go anywhere you want, my good maiden.", along with a bow.
"Okay...that's funny but I'm starting to get creeped out.", I said with a sideways glance.
"Oh1 I'm sorr--!"
"It's okay! Jeez...", I interrupped.
On the rest of the way in, we walked in silence. Not the bad kind, the good kind. When you know something magical is going to happen.
"I've been thinking. Do you like doing things at night?", Ryan asked.
"Yes. I hate the day. Anyway, the cops are out more during the day."
He laughed, "Yes that's quite true."
"But I like things during the day too. It's just that I like the feel of danger sometimes."
"I understand. But there's going to be this movie coming out tonight at midnight and I have two tickets and I don't want them to be a waste..." I was catching on. He wanted to go on,
"A date? I've never been on a date before."
"Then I get the great pleasure of being the first.", he said with a huge smile, not a perverted one.
"Yes, and, uh, what's this movie called?", I asked.
"Tough Blood Love?"
"That would be great."
"Good.", he said with a smile.
"What time should I be ready?", I asked.
"Around 9 pm."
"Why 9? I thought the movie was at midnight?", I questioned.
"It is. I just thought you would like Red Lobster before the movie...", he coaxed. I stood there in awe. He laughed.
"If you're going on a date with me, then what about Katylen?", I asked. He laughed again.
"What's so funny?"
"Katylen's my cousin. That would kind of incest, wouldn't you think?", he said with a grin. I laughed.
"Yeah," I was quiet for a second, "I'm sorry."
"It's okay. Everyone makes that mistake. We do look like a couple. Werid, huh?", he questioned.
"Yeah, I guess." More silence for a few seconds.
We were giggling at the library and the librarian was getting angry with us. What a good day...so far.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
When we got to the movies, I swear I've never laughed that much in my entire life. Most things I used to find immature were now the greatest joke I've ever heard. I was so tired and full, I felt like I was going to collapse. By the time the movie was over, I couldn't walk. And Ryan carried me... Next thing I know, I was laying on Ryan while he watched some old movies in the living room. It was 3:30 am.
"Oh my god! How long have I been asleep?! I'm sorry you had to carry me! Please forgive me."
"It's okay. I don't mind at all." That was all he said, with a gentle grin. I settled back aganist him. still tense but relaxing slowly. Before I knew it, I was falling back to sleep. Dreams of Ryan smiling at me at different places but the same gentle caring green eyes were always there. Never leaving...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
When I woke, I was laying in my bed with two different blankets and my tennis shoes were on the ground beside my bed. I woke in confusion, but basically I was replaying the night. I couldn't beleive I had my first date the night before. It felt so east, I didn't have to be pressured to do anything. I finally decided to get up and have my favorite cereal as always: Lucky Charms.
I walked into the kitchen, and saw Ryan making bacon, eggs, with a bowl and the Lucky Charms box sitting on the counter.
"Awh, how sweet. You rememebered my lovely box of Lucky Charms.", sounding like a embrassed little girl, fake blushing.
"Of course I remembered. Why wouldn't I?", he smiled making those green eyes lighten up. I actually did blush then.
"I don't know. It's just that this the second day you've known me so I wouldn't suspect you to know much."
"Actually, I feel like I've known you my whole life," he smiles, "so what you want to do today before I go to work?", he holds my hand.
"Well, we could go see my family!", I perked.
"I thought you...", he started.
"They aren't my real family but they took me in when I was a baby.", I cutted in.
"Oh okay. But I have to leave by 6 pm.. I'm sorry.", he said with a sad look.
"It's okay.", I tried my best reasssuring smile.
"That's good. Oh, by the way you never told me where you work at."
"I travel a lot so I'm never in one part in town all the time.", if he only knew.
"Oh, I see If you want to know, I work at Midas down the road.", he suggested.
"Okay."
"You better eat ro your food will gey soggy or cold.", he grinned.
I laughed, "Okay."
Another day filled with Ryan. I ould get used to this...
'Just another day, different guy', I thought.
"You can't take the money!"
"Try catching me now, sucka!", I yelled. And as soon as I got done saying that, I went full speed. I used my freakish ablilitys, once again, to get what I wanted. The dude "gave" me $300. Running the streets of Kentuck can be dangerous but hey, a girl's gotta do what she's gotta do.
I live with my best friend, Katylen, downtown. I used to live with my grandma but things were getting...crowded. I don't think coming home at 2:00 in the morning is what most consider "okay". Day is okay, but more cops are out. As I'm walking in, I try to be quiet as I get into my twin bed on the other side of the one-bedroom apartment. Ugh...I noticed that she brought back a guy from her new job or something. But he's so ugly...maybe when Katylen leaves in the morning, I can get a chance to talk to the guy.
He has a nice body and seems distant to sleeping close to Katylen. Okay...odd. In my dreamsthat night, I kept seeing this poor young guy beong bitten by something. A rat? A squireel...?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I woke up to the feeling of someone pushing me. Stupid girl, stupid Katylen.
"I'll get up in a minute...", I said , groggliy.
"Um, excuse me. But who by chance are you?", asked a deep voice. Oh no, it was mister ugly. What did he want?
"Uh, I happen to live here mister nuh-yah-beez-wa--!", I stopped my words. This guy was beautiful! He wasn't ugly at all! Oh my god!
"Oh, sorry. I just thought you were an intruder or something. I'm Ryan by the way. What's your name?", he asked.
"Uh...um...uh...my name?", I stuttered.
"Uh, yeah.", he chuckled. A soft one, it sounded like music.
"My n-name is D-Dark N-N-Night." I stuttered even worse. What a dork I was.
"What a beautiful name, Dark.", he smiled.
Good thing my long, black hair was covering my face or else he would see the deep red my face turned on my pale complexion.
"Um... I'll be right back. I need to take a shower.", I said, running toward the bathroom.
He smiled, "Okay..." He looked so gentle! I'm surprised someone like him slept with Katylen. I'm not trying to be mean, but dang! I turned the water on and undressed while thinking about those sweet, caring, green eyes...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
By the time I got back out of the shower, I totally forgot that someone was still in the house. I'm used to no one being here. So as I walked back into my room, naked, there was one scream and a bunch of 'I'm sorrys' going on. I wasn't mad at him, but I was very embrassed.
After I got dressed, I went into the kitchen and fixed myself a bowl of cereal: Lucky Charms', my favorite. I noticed that Ryan slowly walked in.
"I'm sorry. I shouldv'e stayed in the living room. I didn't kno--!"
"It's okay, Ryan. It's my fault.", I interruptted.
"No, I houldv'e stayed in here or done something that could prevent thi--!"
"Just drop it, okay?", I instisted.
He hesitated for a moment then with a sigh of relief, he said, "Okay..."
"So...tell me about yourself.", I instisted to leave that past conversation behind us.
"Well, I'm 16, live with my adoptive aprents for about 7 years now, have a crappy car, and have a decent job that gets me what I want. You?", he asked.
"Well...I'm 14, going to be 15 soon, have a very...odd family, and live here for free because I'm so 'loved'. I also have a werid diet, I guess you could call it that.", I said out of breath.
"And what kind of diet is that would that be?"
"Umm...you wouldn't beleive me if I told you."
"Come on, try me."
I sighed.
"Pickles and peanut butter."
He looked at me like I was insane.
"Hey, don't critize jus because you've never ate it before.", I said getting the cookies and cream ice cream out.
"Well it sure does look like that you like food."
I stared at him.
"No, no, no! Not in that way! You're beautiful! I mean, I shouldn't say that! You might feel offended! I'm sorry! I just mean that that you like food! Not that you're fat! You're skinnier than--!"
"It's okay! Loosen up, will ya? I get it. But yes, I do like food.", I said with a smile licking my spoon. He exhaled a sigh.
"I just didn't want you thinking that I'm a bad person.", he said with a sad face.
"I don't think you're a bad person. Just over aplogetic.", I grinned.
"I get the hint. It's just I was grown up to say 'sorry' a lot.", he frowned. We both sat queit for a minute or so and then I continued eating. I checked the time 10 minutes later.
"Oh! I got to go! Umm...what do you do during the day?", I asked getting my stuff together.
"I go to work at 5 pm. What do you do?", he asked getting 'properly dressed'.
"I go to the library and read all kinds of books about everything.", I said heading out.
"Oh! That's so cool. I love the library. Can I come with?", those deep green eyes. Green as grass...
"Sure, why not?", I said locking up. As we were walking to the library, Ryan asked me a lot of questions about myself. Most of them Katylen didn't know. When we got to our destination, I told him everything. Well, almost everything...
"Dark? What's wrong?", he said gripping my arms.
"Oh, nothing. I was just thinking about old times.", I couldn't tell him.
"Okay. Well, we're here.", he said with a big smile.
"Where do you want to go?", I questioned.
"Anywhere you want, ma'dam.", he said with a welcoming geture. I laughed. No one has ever really asked about my opinion before.
"Umm...how about the teen section?"
"I will go anywhere you want, my good maiden.", along with a bow.
"Okay...that's funny but I'm starting to get creeped out.", I said with a sideways glance.
"Oh1 I'm sorr--!"
"It's okay! Jeez...", I interrupped.
On the rest of the way in, we walked in silence. Not the bad kind, the good kind. When you know something magical is going to happen.
"I've been thinking. Do you like doing things at night?", Ryan asked.
"Yes. I hate the day. Anyway, the cops are out more during the day."
He laughed, "Yes that's quite true."
"But I like things during the day too. It's just that I like the feel of danger sometimes."
"I understand. But there's going to be this movie coming out tonight at midnight and I have two tickets and I don't want them to be a waste..." I was catching on. He wanted to go on,
"A date? I've never been on a date before."
"Then I get the great pleasure of being the first.", he said with a huge smile, not a perverted one.
"Yes, and, uh, what's this movie called?", I asked.
"Tough Blood Love?"
"That would be great."
"Good.", he said with a smile.
"What time should I be ready?", I asked.
"Around 9 pm."
"Why 9? I thought the movie was at midnight?", I questioned.
"It is. I just thought you would like Red Lobster before the movie...", he coaxed. I stood there in awe. He laughed.
"If you're going on a date with me, then what about Katylen?", I asked. He laughed again.
"What's so funny?"
"Katylen's my cousin. That would kind of incest, wouldn't you think?", he said with a grin. I laughed.
"Yeah," I was quiet for a second, "I'm sorry."
"It's okay. Everyone makes that mistake. We do look like a couple. Werid, huh?", he questioned.
"Yeah, I guess." More silence for a few seconds.
We were giggling at the library and the librarian was getting angry with us. What a good day...so far.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
When we got to the movies, I swear I've never laughed that much in my entire life. Most things I used to find immature were now the greatest joke I've ever heard. I was so tired and full, I felt like I was going to collapse. By the time the movie was over, I couldn't walk. And Ryan carried me... Next thing I know, I was laying on Ryan while he watched some old movies in the living room. It was 3:30 am.
"Oh my god! How long have I been asleep?! I'm sorry you had to carry me! Please forgive me."
"It's okay. I don't mind at all." That was all he said, with a gentle grin. I settled back aganist him. still tense but relaxing slowly. Before I knew it, I was falling back to sleep. Dreams of Ryan smiling at me at different places but the same gentle caring green eyes were always there. Never leaving...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
When I woke, I was laying in my bed with two different blankets and my tennis shoes were on the ground beside my bed. I woke in confusion, but basically I was replaying the night. I couldn't beleive I had my first date the night before. It felt so east, I didn't have to be pressured to do anything. I finally decided to get up and have my favorite cereal as always: Lucky Charms.
I walked into the kitchen, and saw Ryan making bacon, eggs, with a bowl and the Lucky Charms box sitting on the counter.
"Awh, how sweet. You rememebered my lovely box of Lucky Charms.", sounding like a embrassed little girl, fake blushing.
"Of course I remembered. Why wouldn't I?", he smiled making those green eyes lighten up. I actually did blush then.
"I don't know. It's just that this the second day you've known me so I wouldn't suspect you to know much."
"Actually, I feel like I've known you my whole life," he smiles, "so what you want to do today before I go to work?", he holds my hand.
"Well, we could go see my family!", I perked.
"I thought you...", he started.
"They aren't my real family but they took me in when I was a baby.", I cutted in.
"Oh okay. But I have to leave by 6 pm.. I'm sorry.", he said with a sad look.
"It's okay.", I tried my best reasssuring smile.
"That's good. Oh, by the way you never told me where you work at."
"I travel a lot so I'm never in one part in town all the time.", if he only knew.
"Oh, I see If you want to know, I work at Midas down the road.", he suggested.
"Okay."
"You better eat ro your food will gey soggy or cold.", he grinned.
I laughed, "Okay."
Another day filled with Ryan. I ould get used to this...
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Dark Night (Prolouge)
July 27, 1995
"What do we do with him?"
"Leave him. He'll find out sooner or later."
"Charles, I don't trust these kind."
"Well, you're going to have too. We can't keep him."
"I know, but we could at least try."
"He can come to us when he wants too."
"But--!"
"No, Anna. You're sick as it is. If you do anymore, you'll die."
"Okay..."
Footsteps fade away as a baby with the blackest hair sleeps, peacefully. A 16 year old boy skates past but stops as he notices the baby. He walks over and picks it up. Suddenlly, grass green eyes stare up at him. He puts the baby on his shoulder and pats it. A second later, he feels intense pain in his neck. He pulls the baby away from him as he notices there's blood all his neck, and the baby's mouth. The baby coos and stares at the boy's neck, wanting more. Those green eyes hypnotize him. He obeys, puttiing the baby back on his shoulder. A baby's first meal is also it's deadllyist.
"What do we do with him?"
"Leave him. He'll find out sooner or later."
"Charles, I don't trust these kind."
"Well, you're going to have too. We can't keep him."
"I know, but we could at least try."
"He can come to us when he wants too."
"But--!"
"No, Anna. You're sick as it is. If you do anymore, you'll die."
"Okay..."
Footsteps fade away as a baby with the blackest hair sleeps, peacefully. A 16 year old boy skates past but stops as he notices the baby. He walks over and picks it up. Suddenlly, grass green eyes stare up at him. He puts the baby on his shoulder and pats it. A second later, he feels intense pain in his neck. He pulls the baby away from him as he notices there's blood all his neck, and the baby's mouth. The baby coos and stares at the boy's neck, wanting more. Those green eyes hypnotize him. He obeys, puttiing the baby back on his shoulder. A baby's first meal is also it's deadllyist.
Fading Darkness
My heart is free from ever-lasting pain,
my soul is being sewed back together,
I cry no more over the past,
but instead look toward to the future.
Whenever I fall down,
I know somone is there to help me up.
I know I have succedded,
instead of always messing things up.
Darkness overcomes me every once in awhile,
but I know I'm okay inside.
Even if my parents doubt me,
I'll make it in life just fine.
You may call me crazy,
but I'm just having fun.
Everyone makes mistakes,
the old and the young.
I now know that I desrve love and happiness,
even if my arents think not.
My life is just beginning,
and I WON'T sit away and rot!
my soul is being sewed back together,
I cry no more over the past,
but instead look toward to the future.
Whenever I fall down,
I know somone is there to help me up.
I know I have succedded,
instead of always messing things up.
Darkness overcomes me every once in awhile,
but I know I'm okay inside.
Even if my parents doubt me,
I'll make it in life just fine.
You may call me crazy,
but I'm just having fun.
Everyone makes mistakes,
the old and the young.
I now know that I desrve love and happiness,
even if my arents think not.
My life is just beginning,
and I WON'T sit away and rot!
Self-Hatred
I hate you,
I loathe you,
I dislike you,
I hate you.
"When did you get so ugly?
When did you get so fat?
When did you get so horrible?
When did you become like this?"
Get out of here,
get out of me,
get out of my mind,
get out of my life.
Ugly feelings that I made "it",
"it" won't go away,
"it" won't shut up,
"it" won't leave me alone.
Go away,
get away,
don't touch me,
give me back "me"...
I loathe you,
I dislike you,
I hate you.
"When did you get so ugly?
When did you get so fat?
When did you get so horrible?
When did you become like this?"
Get out of here,
get out of me,
get out of my mind,
get out of my life.
Ugly feelings that I made "it",
"it" won't go away,
"it" won't shut up,
"it" won't leave me alone.
Go away,
get away,
don't touch me,
give me back "me"...
Stray Memories
Why is it,
that we wish upon,
such useless stars,
when they won't come true?
Why is it,
that we fall for,
such people in our lives,
when they will eventually go away?
Why is it,
that our words,
such meaningless to others,
when they mean the most to us?
Why is it,
that we cry,
such giant tears,
when you don't know why you do?
My mouth shuts,
for I don't know the anwsers.
My eyes close,
wondering how we could live without these questions.
Yet we keep on asking away,
and never stop to wonder,
how we are affecting others,
with such out-of the world thoughts.
"Live your live to the fullest",
"Forget the past",
"Live in the now",
but the past overcomes me...
that we wish upon,
such useless stars,
when they won't come true?
Why is it,
that we fall for,
such people in our lives,
when they will eventually go away?
Why is it,
that our words,
such meaningless to others,
when they mean the most to us?
Why is it,
that we cry,
such giant tears,
when you don't know why you do?
My mouth shuts,
for I don't know the anwsers.
My eyes close,
wondering how we could live without these questions.
Yet we keep on asking away,
and never stop to wonder,
how we are affecting others,
with such out-of the world thoughts.
"Live your live to the fullest",
"Forget the past",
"Live in the now",
but the past overcomes me...
Untrue Fairytales
When people call you names,
all you want to do,
is curse their name,
and for them not to do that to you.
People don't care,
about your feelings,
at least that's what you think,
when your mind is reeling.
When tradgey is here,
you think all is over,
when really nothing's wrong,
and you just want to hide undercover.
So next time your down,
or high in the sky,
just think of the possbilities,
that are waiting by.
Life is not a fairytale,
but it's not as depressing,
as you might think it is,
but life is just beginning...
all you want to do,
is curse their name,
and for them not to do that to you.
People don't care,
about your feelings,
at least that's what you think,
when your mind is reeling.
When tradgey is here,
you think all is over,
when really nothing's wrong,
and you just want to hide undercover.
So next time your down,
or high in the sky,
just think of the possbilities,
that are waiting by.
Life is not a fairytale,
but it's not as depressing,
as you might think it is,
but life is just beginning...
Confused
Hate me,
Love me,
Hurt me,
Heal me.
Kick me,
Hug me,
Hit me,
Kiss me.
Leave me,
Stay with me,
Disown me,
Keep me.
I want you to love me,
I hate you want me,
I want you to embrace me,
I hate you for loving me.
Hate me,
Love me,
Hurt me,
Heal me...
Love me,
Hurt me,
Heal me.
Kick me,
Hug me,
Hit me,
Kiss me.
Leave me,
Stay with me,
Disown me,
Keep me.
I want you to love me,
I hate you want me,
I want you to embrace me,
I hate you for loving me.
Hate me,
Love me,
Hurt me,
Heal me...
Angel's Knight
I'm his angel,
and he's my knight.
The one who rescues me,
from this strife.
But I keep close eye on him,
make sure he's okay.
Just to make sure,
that he doesn't stray.
He is not solely mine,
nor do I think he ever will be.
I wish happiness for him,
and I don't think he sees.
That he has captured my heart,
soul and all.
I can't live without him,
away from him I try to crawl.
But I can't.
I'm ready for the great fall.
Even though I know,
he won't be there to catch me at all...
and he's my knight.
The one who rescues me,
from this strife.
But I keep close eye on him,
make sure he's okay.
Just to make sure,
that he doesn't stray.
He is not solely mine,
nor do I think he ever will be.
I wish happiness for him,
and I don't think he sees.
That he has captured my heart,
soul and all.
I can't live without him,
away from him I try to crawl.
But I can't.
I'm ready for the great fall.
Even though I know,
he won't be there to catch me at all...
Fake
Simple question: Can emotions be fake? Of course thay can. Doesn't mean you see a bunch of sad people all the time. It's because they hide it behind fake smiles and fake laughter and fake...everything. I'm surprised that that many people can hide it so well. Saying how beautiful they are when inside they think they are the ugliest thing on this Earth. Saying how smart they are when really they think they are the stupidest person alive. It's actually sad now that I think about it.
How our inner thoughts and actions are hidden behind the stupid media. You know how you hear, "Just be yourself!" all the time? Well, it's because of the famous people and magizines telling us what to wear and what's new and hot that we can't be ourselves. We feel we have to fit into this mold of what's good and not bad. Every week they have something new we HAVE to buy and get and we're so busy on what we have to get that we don't have enough time to stop, look in the mirror, and actually THINK and LOOK about/at ourselves. What DO we really need...?
You probably don't care on what I think we need but I'll go ahead and state my opinion. I think we need love. Plenty of love. And plenty of friendship, kindness, affection, nice comments, praise, and apprienciation. But no one seems to be willing to give it. I'm one of the lucky ones to meet a few good people in my life that have stuck by and given me just that. Now I'm happy (75% of the time), dating a wonderful guy, and still have my best friends and the guy of my dreams (that is my best friend) with me. And I wish that on everyone. Such over whelming happiness that they can't stand it.
How our inner thoughts and actions are hidden behind the stupid media. You know how you hear, "Just be yourself!" all the time? Well, it's because of the famous people and magizines telling us what to wear and what's new and hot that we can't be ourselves. We feel we have to fit into this mold of what's good and not bad. Every week they have something new we HAVE to buy and get and we're so busy on what we have to get that we don't have enough time to stop, look in the mirror, and actually THINK and LOOK about/at ourselves. What DO we really need...?
You probably don't care on what I think we need but I'll go ahead and state my opinion. I think we need love. Plenty of love. And plenty of friendship, kindness, affection, nice comments, praise, and apprienciation. But no one seems to be willing to give it. I'm one of the lucky ones to meet a few good people in my life that have stuck by and given me just that. Now I'm happy (75% of the time), dating a wonderful guy, and still have my best friends and the guy of my dreams (that is my best friend) with me. And I wish that on everyone. Such over whelming happiness that they can't stand it.
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